The Power of Connection
In a world of smart phones and social media apps the art of connection has somehow become lost in the confusion of DM’s and text messages. The things that were supposed to bring us closer together have actually separated us farther than ever before. We have lost the art of connection and conversation that face-to-face interaction creates. Now people hide behind cell phones and social media posts. We no longer greet strangers that we pass in town because everyone is looking down at a screen. We are searching or a connection far away when we don’t even know our neighbors next door. Yes it is a good thing to be global but not at the expense of being warm, hospitable, and connected right where we are with those around us. Somewhere in the mix of all the technological transformation where we connect digitally we have forgotten to connect emotionally with those right in front of us. Well this book aims to remedy that and give you the skills to talk to anyone, anywhere, anytime. There are three basic kinds of relationships today. I call them Connections, Attractions, and Attachments. Let me explain the difference in these three and it may shed some light on why you or someone you know may struggle with healthy relationships. We hear a lot about the law of attraction today and many use it as a guideline in their pursuit of the right partner or mate but the law of attraction is not really Biblical or trustworthy. The law of attraction states that you attract what you want. That has never been more incorrect. You don’t attract what you want you attract who you ARE. Nobody gets what they want. Life would be much easier if we could simply attract whatever we wanted. But that is not quite how it works. Like attracts like. You attract who you are, and most people often end up with someone that is a lot like them. Addicts end up with addicts, broke folk end up with broke folk, and toxic folk end up with people who had toxic parents. Why? Because you attract what you are not what you want. So the secret is to become what you want so that you can attract what you want. If you want a kind person then become kind. If you want a creative person then become creative, if you want a whole person than you have to work on you to become the whole person that you desire. Then you will begin to attract the kind of person you are. I always say if you don’t like who you’re attracting then become a better person and you will attract better. Here is another interesting point about attraction. It is exactly what it says an attraction. An attraction is nothing more than a ride at the carnival that straps you in, spins you around, and after a short ride dumps your off leaving you with a headache. If you base all your relationships on attraction only you will be looking at a short fast ride that spins you around and leaves your dizzy. Attraction alone is not enough. Here are the characteristics of attraction…
Short ride
Intense
Fast
Over quickly
Leaves you dizzy
Now is that your idea of a healthy relationship? Ok then stop making attraction your only qualifier for connection. You can be attracted over many things including bad things. You can be attracted over attitudes, addictions, and ambitions but these alone do not guarantee healthy relationship. Character, Integrity, and trust are the things that will keep a relationship together even when some of the attraction has worn off. If you base your relationship on attraction you’re setting yourself up for a short relationship because as soon as some of the attraction wanes a bit you’ll be out the door.
Here are 7 keys to healthy relationships…
Trust
Tone
Triggers
Touch
Time
Truth
Treasure
How powerful to know that there is more to a relationship than just attraction. Attraction won’t keep you together when one of you gets sick. Attraction won’t keep you together when one of you loses a job. Attraction won’t keep you together when one of you makes a mistake and breaks the others trust. Let’s look at these 7 qualities for a moment. Number one is Trust. Trust is the currency of all relationships. Trust is like money once you run out it’s harder to get it back. But if you save it you’ll always have quick access to it. A third voice is often the most deadly thing in any relationship. Adam and Eve had no problems until the snake showed up. A third voice is anyone you trust more than your partner and anyone that you listen to more than your partner. Third voices destroy relationships. A third voice is anyone that feeds a part of you only your partner is authorized to feed. Trust is not free, forgiveness is. Just because you forgive someone does not mean that they are automatically trusted again as before they broke your trust. Trust must be rebuilt and earned back once it is broken. God forgave our sins on The Cross of Christ but His trust for us as His ministers grows with our faithfulness. The second key is tone. Tone is more important than anyone will ever tell you. Our souls respond to sound. The tone that you bring into a conversation is so important. Husbands must leave the office and the tone of professionalism and productivity at the office and come home with the tone of gentleness for his family. This is a skill that must be learned or you may bring a tone into your home that agitates the peace in that home. Wives must bring the tone of comfort to their husbands as well as the tone of romance. Children must bring the tone of honor and gratitude into the home as well.
Here are seven tones to master…
The tone of love
The tone of forgiveness
The tone of kindness
The tone of gratitude
The tone of encouragement
The tone of faith
The tone of nurture
Here are seven tones to avoid…
The tone of seduction
The tone of dishonor
The tone of unbelief
The tone of ingratitude
The tone of anger
The tone of disinterest
The tone of bitterness
Tone is so important to the success of any relationship and once you master tone you have mastered love. The next key is Triggers. Everyone has certain things that trigger them. We all have preferences and buttons that those we love can often push in a conflict or a crisis. It is very important to know the triggers that our relationships have. We should be aware of the triggers that our children have. Have you ever been in a relationship and all of a sudden got into an argument and didn’t even know what the argument was about? The other person just pounced on you and began unleashing mountains of anger. You just found their trigger. Triggers can be caused by a lot of different things. Here is a list of seven triggers that can unlock anger and aggression…
Past trauma
Anxiety
Addictions
Victim mentalities
Value system
Offense
Poor communication skills
Triggers are contention points. They are areas where your value systems are different from one another. Your upbringing and the way you were parented and your particular boundaries can cause contention points when they differ with your partners in a relationship.
Our insecurities and rejection create jealousies and hurt that often are not really coming from the other person but are internal battles caused by our fear of loss. Fear of loss is the root of most insecurity. When you love someone you initially fall into the infatuation stage of a relationship. This is the part of the relationship where we love “because” of. Because they are beautiful and talented and charming we love them. This is the stage where we only see the good parts of them. The charm and the beauty but these are masking the bad parts of them, the ego, the selfishness, and the insecurities. Over the course of time we learn to love not just because of but “in spite” of the bad stuff we’ve come to experience. The anger, the jealousy, the weaknesses. But jealousies show up when we feel we are not important to someone that is important to us. So we fear losing them to someone better. This is not a problem with the other person, most often it is an identity issue found in ourselves. We don’t love and value ourselves for who we really are.
The fifth key is touch and we all know the importance of touch. Even a baby will die within weeks of being born if it is not touched and physically nurtured by its mother. Touch is so important to relationships. An apology does not replace touch, words do not replace touch. The next key we listed is Time and we all know the importance of quality time. Time is an indicator of love. If you love someone you want to spend your time with them. On the other hand if you love someone you will respect their time. Show me who you spend your time with I will show you who you love. Don’t tell me you love God if you don’t spend time with him. Truth is the next key and we know that when we lie to one another a healthy relationship is impossible. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who lies. When they lie to you they have stolen from you. They have stolen the truth from you.
There are three things we give away too early in any relationship.
Reward
Reveal
Rely
We reward people too quickly in relationships where trust has not been earned yet or we reward failure instead of success. We reveal too much about ourselves too quickly to people we don’t yet know the level of confidentiality they have. Intimacy is about information not sex. The more intimate you are with someone the more information you reveal about who you are and what you’ve been through. The Bible says nothing about Delilas body but it says everything about her ability to get Sampson to spill his secrets. Finally we often rely on people too early before we have accurately assessed their trustworthiness. People talk a good game and often overpromise and underperform. Take some time to learn their work ethic and trustworthiness before relying on them too much. The final key to look for is treasure. How do they handle their treasure, which is their time, talent, and money? Do they have a poverty mindset? Are they impulsive spenders? Do they have goals? The number one reason couples fight is over money. If you have differing money values it may become a trigger in your relationship that will be hard to overcome.
Attachments
Ok so we’ve talked about attraction and now I want to discuss the next type of relationship, which are attachments and they will wear you out. Attachments are dangerous. An attachment is an unequally yoked relationship. A relationship where you bring something to the table but they don’t. I picture it like this an attachment is like a trailer being pulled by a truck. The truck has all the power and the trailer has none. The truck is hooked to the trailer and has to drag it wherever it goes. The trailer has no power on its own to move or go anywhere. It is totally dependent on the truck to pull it. There is nothing worse than dragging someone into a future that they are neither qualified for nor desire. Attachments have no desire to attribute anything to the relationship they are like a parasite riding a host while feeding only itself for survival but adding nothing to the relationship to make the other person better. Never connect with someone who doesn’t make you better or want to be better. Co-dependent relationships exist when one person is dependent on the other. That is not God’s design. We are only to be dependent upon God Himself. God’s design is interdependence. Meaning that both of you bring something to the relationship that you would not have had as individuals. You complement each other instead of compete with each other. There is something you have that I need and something I have that you need. Every relationship has a price and a reward. The reward is the blessing that the person brings into your life but the price is what you have to give up to get it. The time, and emotional investment is the price you are willing to pay to cultivate the gold from that person’s life. Whether a mentor or lover or a leader. Here are 7 prices you pay in relationships…
Time
Energy
Emotion
Attention
Respect
Honor
Resources
So beware of attachments. What is the difference between an attachment and a connection? That my friend is the golden question. How is a connection different from an attachment? Connections are both powered. Meaning they both have their own power source. If I plug my iPad into the wall socket I have just made a connection Why? Because the iPad has its own power source and the socket has its own power source. The iPad has a battery and the socket has the current. So when I’m connected I have What’s called Koinonia. This is the Greek word for spiritual relationship or Kingdom relationship. Koinonia literally means an exchange of ideas, information, and money. When you start to make connections you are entering an exchange and a transaction-based relationship where you both have what each other needs. You may be in a conversation and an idea pops into your head or a concept gets clarified just by talking together. Maybe you start taking about ideas and setting goals together. Small people talk about other people, big people talk about ideas. I don’t know about you but I need some Koinonia relationships in my life. People with whom I can talk about concepts and business ideas. People that know I bring something to the table. We need some connections where we learn from each other and our passion is stirred for meaningful achievements and endeavors. Connections are where it’s at. What you want is not an attraction or an attachment but a connection. That’s where the power is. Connections are birthed when you have found someone that speaks the same language as you. Here are seven connection languages…
Opportunity
Favor
Positivity
Gratitude
Faith
Victory
Learning
Connect with people who desire opportunity and who believe in destiny. Connect with people who are positive and believe in you. Connect with people who are grateful and have faith. Connect with people who are victory focused and always hungry to learn.
Chapter Review and Key Points
• When you start to make connections you are entering an exchange and a transaction-based relationship where you both have what each other needs.
• Character, Integrity, and trust are the things that will keep a relationship together even when some of the attraction has worn off.
• Triggers are contention points. They are areas where your value systems are different from one another.
• A third voice is anyone you trust more than your partner and anyone that you listen to more than your partner. Third voices destroy relationships. A third voice is anyone that feeds a part of you only your partner is authorized to feed.
• Three types of relationships there are Connections, Attractions, and Attachments